I can’t really put my finger on why I feel spacey and kind of vacant at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve changed my medication to try to raise my blood pressure. (It’s not working.) Maybe I feel weird because my blood pressure is low. I usually have a super high-speed brain that thinks fast, multi-tasks well and juggles work/home/me. Right now, I have this overall feeling of distraction. Like something is in the back of my mind and wants my attention but it’s just out of reach. Feeling this way makes me want to be alone and not have to interact with people. Am I trying to tell myself that I need time for introspection, meditation, prayer? Is it my body more mellow because I’ve been mostly clean eating for the past few days. I like answers. I want to know what is going on, why, how to change it. Just being, is not my forte’. I was feeling weird enough after I walked to my car from my office this evening that I just sat there for awhile and cruised around on the internet. I read a lengthy article about heroin addiction and Suboxone. Working in medicine makes me interested in these types of articles. Being someone who loves to learn and know MORE, makes me interested in new topics and treatments and modalities.
I think part of what is bothering me is my recent attempt to ignore behavior that I have witnessed, experienced and don’t like. I am discouraged that I don’t trust the other person enough to be my authentic self with them. They have been known to be limited in their ability to hear me and my needs when I’ve tried to give feedback in the past. So, I’ve decided to use the ignore tactic. To put my energy into relationships that have give and take and common interests. I can’t decide what is hurting me more. The behavior, the lack of emotional connection or my own pussy behavior of not speaking up. I find it hard to be positive with this emotional cavity eating away at my nerves.
Maybe it’s all nothing negative. Perhaps the calm and clarity and discernment I have prayed for is here in my life now. It could be that I am unfamiliar with this awareness and just need to learn to listen.
I’m grateful for the day off tomorrow. I won’t be sleeping in (I can’t do that even if I try) but rather driving the children to school in Bend. It’s great to know that I’ll have a little time to myself to read Keep it Shut the Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Study book before I need to be at the therapist at 10:30. I’ll stand on the stupid scale, but not look. She and I will talk about whatever and as always, I’ll come away feeling like it was time well spent. The rest of the day, until 5ish, is mine to do what I want with. I bet you money I’ll be right back here on my awesome bed, in pjs, by the space heater with a book, laptop, TV remote, a big tabby kitty and my security object. All. By. Myself. Whoooooohooooo.
I appreciate you taking this time to read this post that doesn’t follow my normal format. May you be blessed with love and Light and laughter in your life!
PS> So glad the Lord has plans for me, plans to give me hope and future! XOXO