The last week has been tough for me. Partly due to not enough “me” time. I’ve been under the weather, have had low energy and missed several training work outs. This means I’ve not gotten the benefit of a great many endorphins that I had gotten used to over the past month. In fact, for the month of March, I covered 157 miles with my own two feet. It was such a high. The end of this week felt like a fall. A failure. Really, I’m a human in a body with weaknesses. Emotionally, it was a huge blow and I didn’t take it while. My own physical failures came on the heels of having a sick kid at home. For days on end. I thrive with my schedule, predictability, me-time and clean-eating. Did I mention that my therapist was out of town this week? I’ve used Heart-Math, meditation, pet therapy, and several other distress tolerance strategies. We made it to church successfully but not into the building without anti-anxiety meds for me. Unfortunately, my pulse and blood pressure got too low and made it difficult for me to stand during church. Super embarrassing and it meant that I sang the Hallelujah Chorus from my spot in the audience and not with the choir. At the end of the service, AJ half-carried me to the car. This afternoon, after an especially trying discussion with an emotionally challenging child, I went to my room and laid down on the floor next to the bed, hiding under a blanket. I was quiet but overwhelmed and holding to my emotional outburst with a tiny, fragile string. AJ came in to our room to keep my company and to honor my request to spend some time without the children. Finally, the last strong straw splintered and I began to sob. Between sobs, I asked AJ to come and lay on the floor with me. He did. He laid right down next to me on our floor that has a thin carpet on the cement floor. I begged him to hold me. He did. He wrapped his arms around me and held me. I told him I felt out of control and could he squeeze me tighter. He did. He squeezed me as tight as he could and I could still breathe. Just like a straight jacket, he held me and kept me safe while all the crazy passed with my crying and all that remained was feeling spent and safe and loved. Now, awhile later, I’m calm and quiet and I’m watching a movie quietly with my cat and my security object. I’ve hugged and kissed my children and told them I love them so we end the night on a positive note.
I recognize that this post isn’t what you are used to reading from me. This is real. This is my life. This is what living with anxiety and depression can look like. I am so grateful that I have had this amazing man in my life for 12 years and I have learned that he loves me unconditionally and I can ask him for anything. Even if I need him to be a straight-jacket while I lie on the floor.
I offer my prayers of thanksgiving for all of you who have taken the time to read this and open your hearts and minds to me. Love and hugs.