Tag Archives: new beginnings

Happy Thanksgiving, happy way of life.

Lately, my posts have had a recurring theme, finding freedom from stress, regret, remorse, depression and anxiety, instead I’m living my life as a grateful being. It’s really amazing. Today was my first major holiday since I attended the Heart Math class and learned the tools they taught. Typically, I would be very concerned with the meal, planning meals sometimes weeks in advance and making numerous trips to the grocery store. This year, my husband bought a white-meat-only-turkey. It only had breasts and the legs and wings had been cut off. I could NOT fathom this deviation from the tradition of a whole turkey with lots for left overs. I do recall that when he told me he had an idea about this new, weird, turkey, that I told him it was blasphemy. (What he didn’t tell me at the time we were “discussing” his idea that he had ALREADY bought it and it was at our home.) After he told me that he had purchased the fresh turkey and had it at our house, I said that we wouldn’t need to get the right turkey. I agreed that we could try the one he got. For such a control freak as I am about food and special meals, this was a really big deal. I made lots of jokes about the turkey and most people I talked to about said turkey, also found it strange. Instead of listing recipes and their ingredients and demanding that we needed all the stuff long beforehand, I gave the list to AJ and he went on Wednesday night after work. I am learning that I don’t have to do everything and being a martyr is b*llshit and does NOT suit me.

In addition to wanting to make Thanksgiving dinner, I knew that after work on Wednesday, I would need to drive 170 miles to my parents house where our younger son had spent 5 nights so I could drive him 200 miles home on Thanksgiving day. There was no anxiety or paranoia about getting all of those things accomplished. I did not overplan or obsess about checking the road conditions. It was enough for me that I know the road really well and have my winter tires on my fun & comfy car. This is like a whole new life for me! If someone would have told me that this would be me and my behavior, I never would have believed them. I made it to my parent’s house before 9pm and was relaxed and happy when I arrived, despite having worked 9 hours and driven 3.5. I had great snacks and sang a lot along the way. I kept checking in with myself to see if I was really as stress free and comfortable as I was. It was so strange. Typically, under those conditions, I would have a neck or head ache, maybe a gurgling stomach or be angry about the inconvenience of such a drive. Believe it or not, I enjoyed myself. Knowing that I was going to fetch my son who was really looking forward to seeing me, was a treat. I drive long distances with two comfort items. One, my One Touch snuggle pillow, tucked underneath my left arm and the two, Sniffy, a soft piece of fabric draped over my right shoulder. I’d be lost without my music. Living and driving much of the time in a rural area, I’m thrilled to have my satellite radio. Now that my self reflection doesn’t include berating myself, feeling guilty or being angry, I am almost giddy after these check-ins with myself. Some of these check-ins I share with you here on my blog and others are just for me.

Logan and I left Beaverton before 7 am this morning and made it home by 1030. I was looking forward to being home and getting on with the day so we kept on the road, only stopping for gas and make great time. AJ had gone to the grocery store as promised and had gotten the items needed for the menu I had planned to go with the weird turkey. I think I had been home about 15 minutes we had discovered that our turkey roasting pan was undiscoverable. AJ looked everywhere. I had mild panic at this point. When I stopped rambling on about it, I had a great idea. I asked AJ to ask our neighbor/family member, Owl, if he had a roaster and if he’d like to come to dinner. Fortunately, he did have an electric roaster that had belonged to AJ’s grandmother that we had given him. We didn’t think we would ever roast anything small enough to use the pan! Not only did Owl have the roaster, he did NOT have an invite anywhere for Thanksgiving. (This made me realize I was a JERK for not inviting him sooner.) An electric roaster saved the day. The turkey injector broke but I found a way around that. AJ and I had great teamwork and ironically, the only thing that didn’t turn out well was BOXED STUFFING!!! That makes me want to laugh my ass off. Hey, I am the chick that burned Jell-O once upon a time so it’s not that big of a surprise. The turkey was amazing and we will have plenty of leftovers.

Is there a point to this post? I think so. I think my point is that I’m not standing in my way anymore. I’m not carrying around anger and fear and letting them live in my body as depression and anxiety. Learning the Heart Math tools and then getting out of my own way to let it work for me, is the single biggest thing I have ever done for myself and my family. I’m not saying I was a pathetic loser, but this positive impact is huge and will have long and far reaching effects for my children. I can finally model the behavior of what I want for them. Telling them “don’t be like me” is ridiculous. Showing them how to not be like the me I was, is vital.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my God, health, family, friends and the many luxuries in my life, including this blog and the opportunity to connect with others. May God Bless you, today and always. Happy Thankful life…Rebecca

Making the most of Monday

I’m glad that it’s still Sunday night and not quite Monday morning. I still have the chance to get my mind right about going back to work tomorrow. If I wanted to be glass-half-empty about things, I’d focus on the weight I’ve gained since I’ve last seen my coworkers and how much work might be waiting for tomorrow. While I’ve behaved like that a thousand Monday’s before, tomorrow will be different. Why? I intend for it to be different. I can start the day with a positive glass-half-full attitude. No one control over my attitude but me. In the past, I’ve gotten particularly caught up in listing the challenges and things that have gone wrong. My goal tomorrow, is to stop and take a small break and refocus on being positive if I feel overwhelmed. Even that little word “if” in that last sentence is a new step. My typical M.O. is to say “when” I feel overwhelmed. I have found if I declare things, they manifest. Some might find that hokey or roll their eyes, no problem, you can have your own opinion. However, when I stopped saying “This is making me crazy!”, fewer things made me “crazy.” I don’t want to give labels power over me that they don’t deserve. I am determined to keep telling myself how great I am and how capable until I no longer need the reminder but I believe it. Sadly, I don’t right now. My self esteem is a little low and it’s up to be to boost myself out. Counting on external “atta girls” and compliments, is a losing proposition. I’ll be happier to do the best I can, recognizing that being good enough, is just that.

I am looking forward to a better balance. Of leaving home and home and work at work. I’ve talked about that before and it’s time to renew that commitment to better living through balance. That won’t look the same to everyone. It was also require an adjustment period to those who are used to interacting with me a certain way. Before in my life, I’ve had to ask loved ones to “Please, give me a chance to do and BE different.” Unpredictability can be intimidating and unsettling to people. Not everyone I know will have read my blog and realize that I am kicking the Reinvention of Rebecca into high gear. Some may have. So long as I offer those around me the compassion and patience that I would like to receive, WITHOUT paying any attention to what I am receiving, I will stay on the right track. To share the love of Jesus with those around me can be so simple. I LOVE to make things complicated, people have said about me. I don’t love it, I’ve done it, sure, but I don’t love it. I don’t want that anymore. I intend to simplify tasks without second guessing or judgement.

I may struggle and have periods of failure and I can manage those times without despair and self-loathing. I don’t necessarily know exactly what that might look like, and that’s ok.

This weekend camping with the family was fast-paced and busy. In the stillness that I found on the beach at Waldo Lake, I did spend time reflecting on what I want to keep and want I want to leave behind. What I want to keep is being transparent and sharing what is on my heart. This blog gives me a chance to do that. If no one reads it, no worries. The words and thoughts and feelings are here to remind me where I’ve been and even where I’m going. We discovered this weekend that our compass is upside down. A funny thing for a LetterBoxer who prides herself on being prepared for everything. I didn’t cringe, I laughed it off. No negative self talk or self depreciating comments came from me. What I can give to the world, staring with myself, is more encouragement and cheer-leading.

Cairn design and photo by Preston B.

Balance, on the shores of Waldo Lake

Dear Lord, Thank you for giving me each new day, ESPECIALLY Mondays, to wake up and praise your name and be grateful for the blessings you have bestowed upon me. You are my ROCK! Amen.